Have you ever had to get a ticket validated from a parking lot? Validation is like that, a stamp of approval.
What does validation look like?
I like your smile
You have a great hat
You have amazing teeth
It can be compliments, pointing out people’s abilities, or just being encouraging. There are many ways we can validate.
Does it feel good to be Validated?
Of course, the problem happens when we’re more dependent on others to make us feel good rather than the consistent thing, which is ourselves.
Math problem- how much do I depend on others to make me feel good and how much do I give myself?
Fraction – maybe I depend on others 90% of the time and 10% I rely on myself. What do you
feel like your percentage is when you look at yourself? How much do you feel like you depend on others to make you feel better? When you look at the fraction you came up with, is it ideal? Would you want it to be different in any way?
When we’re more dependent on others it hurts more when we don’t get the validation. We’re like “I need you to say something” “I need you to compliment me”. How do we create that need to be less? How do we depend less on others and more on our self?
What does self-validation sound like?
“I am” statements,
“I deserve” statements,
“I’m going to” statements
“I will” statements
“I’m allowed to” statements
“I’m good at” statements
These are all
self-validating statements that we give ourselves. Sayin what we are feeling out loud is self-validating.
“I’m struggling right now”, “I’m having a hard time”. Instead of shaming ourselves by saying “it shouldn’t be hard”, “I shouldn’t be struggling so much, it should be easy to get over this”. It’s validating to give yourself credit and say, “hey I deserve to feel whatever I’m feeling right now”.
Some of these invalidating statements we say to ourselves on a daily basis are like being stuck in a room with no windows or doors. When we’re stuck in this room we feel like “I don’t deserve to be happy” because we say it to ourselves all the time. When we start saying self-validating messages or positive affirmations, we’re still in the room but it creates an opening out of it. As we challenge our negative thoughts and say more positive thoughts or affirmations eventually, one day, we’ll walk closer to the door and think “I feel like I do believe this” and then we’ll be able to walk out of the room. If we don’t change how we talk to ourselves, we’ll be stuck in this room forever because there’s no opening or hole to get out, but when we say things, we might not necessarily feel or believe at least it gives us the opportunity to get out someday.
If you’re struggling to be able to look at yourself and think kind, loving, thoughts, then I’d love to teach you more about this!