Why Taking a Break During Conflict Can Help You Regain Control

When emotions run high, it can be difficult to think clearly.

When emotions run high, stepping away from a stressful conversation or situation may be one of the healthiest things you can do. It’s about giving your brain and body the space they need to calm down so you can respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.

High Emotions Lead to High Reactions

When you’re angry, hurt, or emotionally flooded, your brain shifts into survival mode. In those moments, the rational, logical part of your brain—the part responsible for problem-solving, communication, and decision-making starts to go offline.

That means the part of your brain you rely on to:

• communicate clearly

• resolve conflict effectively

• think through consequences

• make healthy decisions

becomes harder to access.

What’s left is the more reactive, impulsive part of the brain. This is when people send the text they regret, fire off the emotional email, say something hurtful in an argument, or make decisions they later wish they hadn’t.

If you’ve ever looked back on a conversation and thought, Why did I say that? or Why did I react that way? That's completely normal. That’s often what happens when we try to handle conflict while our emotions are still at their peak.

Why Taking a Break Helps

This is where taking a break becomes such a powerful emotional regulation tool.

When you notice that your emotions are escalating, give yourself permission to pause. Instead of continuing the argument, sending the message, or making a decision in the heat of the moment, step away. Take a breath. Create some space.

That pause gives your nervous system time to settle and allows the thinking part of your brain to come back online. Once your body has calmed down, you’re much more likely to communicate clearly, set boundaries effectively, and make choices you feel good about later.

In short: taking a break can help you respond instead of react.

When Couples Take a Break

In one research conducted by Dr. Gottman, couples are observed discussing a conflict while wearing physiological monitors to track heart rate, respiration, and stress hormones. When a heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute, the brain enters "fight or flight" mode, and "you won’t be able to hear what your spouse is trying to tell you no matter how hard you try.”

Dr. Gottman advocates for taking an intentional 20-minute break. Because stress chemicals take over 20 minutes to clear the cardiovascular system, this specific break allows the body's nervous system to completely calm down. During this time, partners are advised to avoid ruminating on the fight and instead focus on physiological self-soothing.

Of course, in a relationship, it’s important that both people understand what the break looks like. If you’re pausing a difficult conversation, it helps to agree on when you’ll come back to it. That way, the break creates safety and regulation rather than distance or avoidance.

How Long Should a Break Be?

The answer depends on the situation.

In personal relationships, you may agree to revisit the conversation in 20 minutes, an hour, or later that evening. In other situations, it may be helpful to wait longer.

For example, I often recommend a 24-hour pause when possible before sending an emotional email or making a reactive phone call. Giving yourself that time can make a huge difference in how you feel and how you respond.

Even if you don’t have 24 hours, a short pause can still help. A few minutes of stepping away, breathing, grounding, or changing your environment can reduce emotional intensity enough to help you think more clearly.

What to Do During a Break

Not all breaks are equally helpful. What you do during that pause matters.

Instead of spending your time replaying the conversation, building your case, or becoming more upset, the goal for taking a break is to regulate your nervous system and lower the intensity of the emotion so you can return in a calmer, more grounded state.

Helpful things to do during a break might include:

• taking deep breaths

• going for a short walk

• journaling your thoughts

• listening to calming music

• using grounding techniques

• stretching or moving your body

• practicing self-care

• talking to a trusted support person

• reminding yourself to wait before reacting

When you use healthy coping skills during your break, you give your brain the opportunity to reset.

Sometimes people worry that stepping away means they’re being avoidant or “too emotional.” In reality, taking a break is often a sign of self-awareness and emotional maturity.

You are recognizing that you’re too activated to respond well in the moment—and instead of pushing through and making things worse, you’re choosing to pause, regulate, and come back with intention.

Final Thoughts

If you struggle with reacting impulsively during conflict, difficult conversations, or stressful situations, try making this your new rule: when emotions are high, pause before you act.

Don’t send the email. Don’t fire off the text. Don’t keep pushing through the argument. Take a break first.

That pause may be the very thing that helps you protect your relationships, make better decisions, and respond in a way that aligns with who you want to be.